A letter to Martha Grace || December 2018

To my beautiful youngest "mini-me",

I didn't think I'd write to you again this year, but how could I not? You've blessed us with another Christmas at home, every day there's a TimeHop reminder of what we were doing this time in 2013. Not that I need an app on my phone, I remember those days before Christmas as though they were only yesterday.

It's still baffling to me that the little 5-year-old girl who I took to school this morning, all excited for her school trip to watch a pantomime is the same person as the baby I cried my heart out over all them years ago. I wish I could go back to that Mammi and tell her to hold on, have faith. That her baby is the strongest and bravest warrior she'll ever meet and all the sh*t days we were having were leading us somewhere amazing.

We never know what the future holds for a child like you, while I don't want to dwell on any negatives - I really want you to know that we are so proud of you for the amazing year you've had. How, after 5 open heart surgeries you brought as a letter from Great Ormond Street Hospital which ended with "we should remain optimistic about Martha's clinical course at present..."

I hope that you feel loved and that everything we've put you through has been worth it. That you feel the life we've given you has been worth your physical journey. We would never put you through anything if we didn't think it was worth it for you. We'll be your best advocates, your loudest cheerleaders. While we can't take your place in any of this (and both myself and your father wish we could trade places with you) I promise you will never have to go through anything on your own, if you're 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, 55 - we'll always be with you.

Trying to give you, Osh and Isabella the best Christmas we can because we can't know what might happen next year. I hope you feel that when you wake up on Christmas Eve and come downstairs to the basket I've been putting together for you over the past few weeks, and when we're all snuggled in new PJ's watching Christmas films before bed.

I love our little family, the little spot as the third child was made and reserved just for you and I'm forever grateful that you own that spot.

Mammi xxxxx

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