Mammi's Heart (&Head)

Yesterday, my little car passed it's MOT with flying colours. It didn't need any work doing to it, there wasn't even a tyre to replace. The impending MOT had nagged at me all weekend. I had planned to put a lump sum in our savings account (London Emergency Fund) and worried that I wouldn't be able to if my car was going to be expensive to fix.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. My stomach was churning and my heart was racing. The same feeling that I get when we are called in to see the Consultant after he's reviewed Martha's images from her ECHO. The dread. The uncertainty. The not knowing if our lives will once again be ripped apart.

That's how it felt on Thursday anyway. Martha's post-op appointment took place on Thursday 5th January, 7 weeks to the day since her most recent Open Heart Surgery #marthadoesOHS5

It was one of the best outpatients appointments we'd had in a long time. We got to meet with Dr. Ian Sullivan, who is our lead Cardiologist and the man who gave us the opportunity to bring Martha Grace to Great Ormond Street in the first place. Martha's images had failed to upload to the Hospital's main server so we had to go with him to the machine itself in order for him to be able to view them.

Martha, Mark, Mam and me all sat in silence as he hopped from one picture to the next; watching the video clips over and over again. Then he pipes up with "Well this is certainly the best we've seen Martha". He turned the screen to face us so we could see the blood flowing freely through the aortic valve. Changed the view so we could see down into the ventricle through the aortic valve and see where the obstructing muscular shelf was removed in November.

I looked at Mark and at my Mother, the three of us with the biggest smiles on our faces. We have worried about this appointment since just after Christmas. Christmas had been a wonderful distraction.

But what now?

Life at the moment is pretty much as perfect as it is going to get for us. The kids are all happy and settled back in at school; Mark and I are both happy at work; we don't have any money worries; we are lucky enough to own our home...but I can't shake the anxiety.

I don't have anything to worry about right now, which worries me. I know that something is about to come and shake our world to the core again but I have no idea in which form it would come. I know this is totally unreasonable and I should just enjoy our good news, but I am not used to having nothing to worry about.

Mark is desperate to buy himself a new car, and with the exception of our house - it will be the most expensive single purchase we've ever made. But I'm worried that going ahead would bring us bad luck and one of us would lose our jobs and then we'd have to dip into our London Emergency Fund to keep us going.

I have neglected my little corner of the internet over the past few months; this might actually have contributed to the way I've been feeling. As well as being a place to document Martha Grace's journey, my blog was also my place to write down how I felt and what I was scared of. I need to make more of an effort to blog more this year for the sake of my mental health.

I think that everyone assumes that once your child recovers from major surgery then you can just return to normal. That is most definitely not the case. What we as parents endure pales in comparison to what our children must physically go through. But it's not "normal" to have to watch your child experience so much trauma. It changes you and it changes the way you look at life from there on after.

As always, I am so grateful for your continued support. But just because Martha Grace is doing well at the moment, it doesn't mean I need it less now.


Basically, me for the next few weeks - Winging it!!!

No comments

Post a Comment