I learnt a long time ago not to look too far into the future, to live in the here and now, to only really make plans between now and the next outpatients appointment. I can't comprehend life after our next appointment for Martha because I can't imagine how our life will look.
In the space of a few months we've celebrated Christmas, our wedding anniversary, my Birthday and then this last weekend - we celebrated Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong, they were very happpy days and I was very much enjoying being in the "here and now".
But at the back of my mind what I'm really thinking is "How many children will Santa be visiting next Christmas" and "How many school made Mother's Day cards will be sitting on our fireplace next year."
These significant dates will stand out more in my memory than other days, I'll be looking back more to "this day last year remember how happy we were". Because right now, we're actually really happy if I'm honest and life is pretty perfect. We have our three children, we have lovely days out and a holiday planned - that's all we need.
I know that the worst can happen to any family, nobody knows what lies just around the corner. But when your child has a chronic illness - the odds are stacked even more unfavourably against you.
The girls have been fighting with eachother this morning. They each want whatever the other is playing with, they're even arguing about what to have on the TV in the background. They are a little more high maintenance than usual - probably because it's Friday and the week of early starts has taken it's toll on them. I text Mark to say they're driving me crazy with their fighting - and they're only 4 and 2 years old; imagine when they're 8 and 6 years old.
He text me back saying "Imagine what it will be like when they're teenagers!" But I can't! Because I don't know if I'll ever be lucky enough to have two teenage girls growing up together in our house.
I don't know if I'll ever have a 16 and 14 year old fighting over clothes, shoes and make-up.
If we are that lucky...then we'll put up with the fighting and arguing, I guess.
I still can't believe our luck that we have a cheeky two year old; when we first started down this road of being Heart Parents - we didn't know if she'd survive her first surgery. But she did, followed by three more after that!