That's what I get

It's my own fault for saying that last week was a quiet week! 
Monday lunchtime I'd just put Martha Grace in her bed for a sleep and went to the kitchen to make a panad. I check on her a few moments later as I can hear her babbling to herself. She'd pulled her NG tube out. Marvellous.
Rather than rush off to Ysbyty Gwynedd straight away, we decide to leave Martha until her next feed and see how much she drinks by herself. She was only due 0.06ml of Ranitidine and we hoped that she would be OK to take this orally. But she only drinks 90ml of a 120ml feed and she isn't too impressed by the taste of Ranitidine, so my darling Mother had to take her to Dewi Ward (where we have open access) for a new tube to be inserted.
Wednesday morning, I'm in bed taking "selfies" with Isabella when I hear Mark moan at Martha - I just
knew what was up...she'd only gone and pulled the tube out again. She hadn't had any of her medicines so we needed to get a new tube put in ASAP. I managed to get her to drink 70ml of her bottle before she got bored of it.
We could be trained to be competent in inserting new NG tubes ourselves. When we were offered we both declined. Ultimately you are blindly guiding a tube up through a baby's nose, down their throat and in to their stomach. But what if it doesn't go down in to their stomach? What if we guide it down her windpipe and in to her lungs instead?
I will always remember being at Martha's bedside on Bear Ward back in September while the 6 month old baby girl next door was being pinned down to have her NG tube replaced. I could hear her screaming and gagging - it sounded like she was being tortured, it probably felt that way to her too. It's probably how it is for Martha and that's why as her mother I can't bring myself to be the one to put her through it. Just like when her Ventilator tubes were being suctioned for secretions, I had to leave the ward but Mark, my Mam and Nan could stay with her and hold her hand through it. Me and Grandad would be pacing the hallway outside her Bay until we were told it was safe to come back in. But I can stand there next to her when I know her chest is wide open.
It's funny what we can cope with and what pushes us over the edge.

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