Thursday, 2 January 2014

F.E.A.R


When Osh & Isabella were babies - I didn't bat an eyelid if they vomited. I'd blame it on the fact that I probably hadn't brought enough wind up after their feed,  clean them up and then go about the rest of my routine as normal.

But when you've seen your baby have to be put on a ventilator after aspirating vomit - you live in fear of it
happening again.

It's reached the point where I can't stay by her bedside anymore unless she's flat out asleep. 

If she starts giggling or having hiccups I run out of the ward.

I know that I'll probably get a lot of people saying "Well how will you cope when you get her home then?" All I can say to that is, honestly - I don't know!

I don't want to think about having to go to sleep at night knowing there will be no one awake with Martha in case she vomits while we're all fast asleep. I can either stop living in a world of what-ifs...or never sleep at night again.

All I can hope is that by the time we get to take Martha Grace home she will be a lot stronger and would have been breathing for herself a lot longer.

The fact is she's been off CPAP now since 4pm yesterday and is still coping beautifully. But once I don't have to worry about one aspect of her recovery - my mind is just waiting for something else to go wrong, something else to worry about.

GM
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