Being on my own in London doesn't worry me. I am quite happy to walk back and forwards between the Hospital and the accommodation. I don't mind nipping down to the Hospital canteen on my own, or even to the Cafe Nero on Southampton Row.
What I am struggling with is being with Martha and dealing with an emergency on my own.
When you've seen a mask held over your baby's face while they scream beneath it once; your becomepredisposed to the situation.
Martha only has to cough or have hiccups and I am a wreck in the corner, hiding!
We've already had to re-intubate Martha once after she aspirated, I am gripped by the fear of it happening again. Mark was supposed to go home on Saturday with the kids and my Mam. This would have meant being on my own all day Sunday until Monday afternoon. I'd gotten myself in such a state that Mark had to stay with me and get the 19:08 train home on Sunday night.
My reasonable self knew that Mark had to go home, he has work in the morning.
My unreasonable self doesn't care about work and wants him to stay here with me so I don't have to deal with anything on my own.
I arrived back on the ward just after half seven. Martha was fast asleep so I sat in the parents room eating my M&S ready meal, phoning home and speaking to the kids.
She was still asleep when I returned. So far there had been no dramas.
I stayed by her bedside and as she woke up there was a dirty nappy to deal with, a cough and a sneeze - I remained calm throughout. Then came the hiccups...this was the real test! I asked the nurse if she could pause the feed and aspirate any air out of Martha's stomach, but only 5ml of air came out.
The hiccups stopped after about 10mins, she needed another nappy change before she finally settled down.
That was my chance to say goodnight. Mark had imposed a strict 11pm curfew, to be honest, as much as I love this city I'm not too thrilled at the prospect of walking back on my own in the early hours of the morning.
Tonight I pray that when I arrive back on the ward in the morning, there will have been no dramas during the night for me to deal with.