One week on

I feel like we've been here for months. It's almost a week since Martha Grace came out of Theatre and she is still in complete Heart Block.

I feel as though this week has been a complete waste of time, weaning her off her support drugs, weaning her off her sedation and paralysis, reducing the amount of support from the ventilator.
I get times when I feel frustrated, angry even with the whole situation.
She's had her chest closed, but after having a wash this morning she dumped more fluid so they've decided to keep her chest drains in for at least another day. We've got her down to 18 breaths per minute with a pressure level of 13 from the vent and an oxygen concentration of 30% and her blood gasses are good.
But it all seems futile. As it stands we're facing the possibility of Martha needing a Pacemaker.
As soon as the cardiologist turn per pacing box off her heart rate plummets to about 40 beats a minute.
We know that it can take up to 7 - 10 days for her conduction system to recover; but we are on day 8 now and it still hasn't recovered.
I wish I knew what we are waiting for. On what information have they based their decision to wait until Monday? If she does need a Pacemaker what kind of a procedure will it be? Where will they put it?
My head is battered with so many unanswered questions, the consultant even arranged for me to meet with a psychologist this morning to help me find a way to cope.
It's not coping I am struggling with - it's the living hour by hour, not knowing what lies ahead for my beautiful girl.
I wish I could pick her up to cuddle her when she becomes distressed with her Tubes, but I can't. She must think I am a shit mammi when she grasps my hand for help and all I do is stroke her face and tell her to calm down; she doesn't understand why I don't do what a loving Mammi would do and take her pain away.


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