Monday, 16 April 2018

Siblings || April 2018

We had a fab Easter with them and for once I wasn't counting down the days until they were back at school. I love my routine and usually struggle when the kids are off but we had so many days out planned that we needed to be up and out of the house handy almost daily.

Martha Grace isn't at school today, she's in London with us for her outpatient's appointment. I'm writing this on Sunday night and right now I have no idea how the day will go. Martha is such a strong girl that she never gives us any indication of what we might be able to expect to hear from her Consultant.

What I do know is that waiting for her at home are a Brother and a Sister who love her very much. They're a great gang despite there being a 7-year difference between the eldest and the youngest. They're all at a great age; as much as I love babies it's so liberating not having to cart a heavy nappy/bottle bag and pushchair with us on days out. It's great to be able to choose a cafe based on their menu - not on whether or not they have bottle warming or baby changing facilities and high chairs.

Sunday, 15 April 2018

A letter to Martha Grace || April 2018

To my Amazing Little Girl,

The weekend before your appointment in London is always hard. If I happen to be off from work, we'll spend it as a family and try to soak up as much normality as we can as we don't know how life will look the next time we're together like that.

I woke up on Saturday morning to the news that a little girl who was only 6-years old had suddenly passed away during the early hours of the morning. Martha, I'm devastated. A mammi just like me is without her little girl. A brave little girl who'd had operations in Hospital and a scar just like yours. A little girl who had defied all odds to make it as far as she did, just like you!

Up until yesterday, what I hoped for is that you wouldn't need another operation. Tonight - I'm just hoping that whatever the outcome tomorrow - there will be a positive plan in place to deal with it. Martha, I need you here with us. There is so much that I want us to do as a family, so many places that I want us to go.

I've always known that life is short, but yesterday's news has shaken me to my very core. I need to be making the most of the time that I have with the three of you. We need to be enjoying the days out and booking the Holidays. Nothing is guaranteed.

This weekend, we've been to the hairdressers and you had a haircut, we've been to the opticians to pick up your glasses (which so far, you've taken off about a million times), we had a flying visit to Penrhyn Castle and we had a chilled out Saturday night. Mammi's been working today and you've been home with Isabella and Daddy. Nothing spectacular but it was just what I needed before a trip to Great Ormond Street. I just hope that there are more weekends like this on the cards without the worry of surgery hanging over us.

Whatever the outcome tomorrow, we'll only be acting in your best interest. You are always our priority. I have no idea what to expect from tomorrow; your general health has been great but that's never a reliable indication of how your little heart is doing.

But if you can be brave, I can be brave too.

I love you more than you'll ever know.

Mammi xxxx

Wednesday, 28 March 2018

A little March update

It's been a funny old month, I didn't really have any plans but it's already the 28th and I don't know where the weeks have gone.

I've fallen off the wagon with my self-care plans though, the worst thing is that I feel dreadful for it. My anxiety is being unreasonable again. Example: as we were leaving the house to go for a little afternoon out with the kids yesterday, my brother was parked outside ours setting up his sat-nav as he was going out for the afternoon which involved motorway driving. I felt sick the whole time we were out and only calmed down when he called me to say he had arrived safely. He's 26.

It seem's the slightest thing can set me off, at home and at work. 

We're coming up to the anniversary of our 20-week scan with Martha Grace. This time 5 years ago, everything was looking perfect for us. We were about to exchange on our first home with our third baby on the way, then, before we knew it the rug was pulled out for underneath us.

Right now, 5 years on - everything is looking pretty perfect again and I'm just waiting for something to come along and take it all away from me. I know this is a completely ridiculous way to live, but unless something is actually going wrong - I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. I can't relax unless something is something to worry about, I guess.